Good days & bad days..

Everyone told me that the ‘first’ of everything was going to be the hardest.. the first birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, etc. But there’s nothing that can prepare you for how you’re actually going to feel when that ‘first’ event comes along.

It’s almost three months since mum passed, and the initial couple of weeks felt like I was in a constant fog. Going back to work so soon after mum’s funeral seemed like the best idea at the time – I had a new role at work to throw myself into, a daughter to support through the loss of her grandmother, and life in general had to keep going.

I tried so hard to keep everything together, to be strong. But there is only so long that can work. Thursday morning, the day before the Easter long weekend started, it felt like just yesterday that I was sitting at the hospital with mum. The pain became so real, and it hit me – we were about to experience our ‘first’ event without her. Once the tears started, there was nothing that could stop them.

Nothing this Easter felt the same – I had an odd feeling hanging over me all weekend, and no, the glass (or two) of champagne did nothing to help shift the feeling.

At least now, the first of the ‘first’ events is out of the way – that doesn’t mean that the rest will be easier, or that next year it won’t hurt, but it has reminded me to start checking in on myself a little more often. To tell myself that it’s ok when I have a day where I can’t move off the couch or days when I just need to keep myself so busy that I don’t have time to think.

During the week, I read a post about grief that was circulating around Facebook. In the post was a quote by Luc de Clapiers, that completely resonated with me, and I found it quite fitting when it came to grief and how we survive through the pain with the support and guidance of our friends and family.

“We discover in ourselves what others hide from us,

and we recognise in others what we hide from ourselves”

As so many people have said to me over the past couple of months, it is important to be kind to yourself, and I hope that by writing this it hopefully reminds others that when it comes to grief that there will be good days and bad days, and there’s no way of controlling how we will cope when those ‘first’ days arrive. That said, Mother’s Day is now just a few weeks away and I honestly am not sure how I’ll cope with that one. But no matter how the day unfolds, I know I’ll have my family and friends supporting me.

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